President Trump pardoned the Zombie Apocalypse on Tuesday, stating that the zombies who in 2015 had wreaked havoc in the streets by attacking and eating people’s brains “were just doing their job.”
The president’s order has stirred outcry from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, the National Institute of Public Health, the Department of Health, and law enforcement agencies. “This sets a very poor precedent for any future zombie attacks,” said the Director of Public Health, Carrie OnLugguge. “This is a horrible example of leadership, THIS IS NOT NORMAL.”
President Trump Tweeted: “I want to set the record straight. I condemn marauding, violence, and flesh eating, on many sides. On many sides.”
A spokesperson for the Center of Disease Control and Prevention responded: “Did I read that right? Did the President insinuate that “both sides do it—” he is clearly coo coo for Cocoa Puffs. This is not a “zombies do this and the living do that” kind of situation. The walking dead eat brains, and not with a bottle of nice Chianti and some fava beans, but violently and immorally. The living were innocent victims. There’s no sides to it.”
According to sources President Trump did not consult with the Justice Department. The pardon is President Trump’s first, and he did not follow through with protocols set by the Obama Administration before announcing his decision.
A spokesman for the Zombie Apocalypse stated in a Tweet: “Thank you @DTrump for cutting thru the boloney, this was a political witch hunt instigated by the Obama Administration.”
The Zombie Apocalypse continues to receive criticism from the democratic party and its liberal constituents. President Trump minimized their concerns by Tweeting “Zombies are so hot now, I don’t see what the problem is. I’ll make a prediction: I think it’s going to be just fine, OK?”
Tiffany Midge is a poetry editor for The Rumpus, and an award-winning author of The Woman Who Married a Bear. Her work is featured in McSweeney's, Okey-Pankey, The Butter, Waxwing, and Moss. She is Hunkpapa Lakota. Follow her on Twitter @TiffanyMidge.