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The Thing About Santa: Who's That Fat Dude Wandering Around In My Living Room?

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I think, based only on my own observation (1) (I’m really too lazy to do any research this late in the day), that a lower percentage of Indian kids believe in Santa Claus than any other ethnicity in the United States. Sure, Jewish kids, kinda as a rule, don’t really do the Christmas thing too much; still, this is my article, and I’ll manipulate and misuse statistics as I see fit yet there has not been any in-depth studies of “Jewish Kids Who Believe in Santa” from an empirical/academic standpoint. Yet, “hybrid” Christmas/Hanukkahs are becoming much more common, from what I hear. Therefore, I will say it again:

A lower percentage of Indians kids believe in Santa Claus than any other ethnicity in the United States. (2)

The reasons that Indian kids are not all that enthralled with the jolly, fat guy? There’s probably several reasons—I’ll speculate on a couple:

  1. Not that many Indian families have chimneys. What did he do, go through the heater duct?? Heck no. Indian kids are smarter than that. Too hot. Plus, if he really is that fat, chances are he’d fall through the heater piping.
  2. Diabetes is big on the reservation. Indian kids understand that most people as big as Santa have heart problems/diabetes, and so it is very unlikely that Santa would have the energy to be carrying all those toys and socks all over the place. Get real. He’d need to stop eat a Snickers and get his blood sugar up like Uncle Clibert when he goes to the casino.
  3. Finally, Indian moms are too honest. Indian moms consistently make Christmases amazing—she doesn’t like Santa Claus. A dude that only treats the kids nice one day a year and wants WAYYY too much credit for it? Sounds too much like a deadbeat/Disneyland dad. Mom works hard to give your presents, baby—tell her thank you and leave some cookies out for her (or rub her feet), not Santa.
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1 Ok, I lied. I interviewed three 3 year-old Cree kids with a bunch of silver teeth for this expose’. They all slobbered on me and two of them pointed at me while crying “Mommy.”

2 Repeating yourself is a very effective tool when you’re trying to eat up more words and it’s 3PM on a Friday and you really don’t have much to say. Just an FYI.

Gyasi Ross is a member of the Blackfeet Nation and his family also belongs to the Suquamish Nation. He recently wrote a book called “Don’t Know Much About Indians (but i wrote a book about us anyways).” You can get it at He also makes a bunch of silly youtube videos and you can see those at