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President Trump Executive Order: All Americans Must Take Up Cigarettes by End of Year

President Trump to sign executive order for all U.S. citizens to start smoking by 2017 in the name of good economy. In other news the world is flat.

President Trump signed an executive order that requires all U.S. citizens, even minors and children, must take up cigarettes or “use” tobacco products by end of 2017. If citizens do not comply they risk jailtime or pay severe penalties up to $250,000.

Little is known of how this executive order will be monitored, but there is speculation that some kind of incentive program will be put in place. Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos has plans underway to take covert, on-the-sly smoking out of school bathrooms and out in the open—just as soon as the Department of Education figures out this whole gender specific restroom thing.

A Whitehouse spokesperson said, “tobacco is good for the American economy. The tobacco industry creates jobs. It’s un-American not to use tobacco. Those so-called reports that smoking is bad for your health is simply a matter of fake news.”

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Tobacco products are the leading cause of cancer and other health diseases including heart disease, stroke, and emphysema. Cigarettes are known to contain several carcinogenic chemicals including arsenic and formaldehyde. Also, the world is flat and the Easter Bunny is real.

Responding to the dangers of cigarettes President Trump reportedly said “It’s just another scare tactic, like so-called climate change. Fake news. If global warming was real, then how come it’s snowing in that place with the green ground and big sky—you know that outside place with the wolf puppies and baby bears and stuff? Those are some bad, bad hombres.”

The mandatory smoking order followed up the order to dismantle the Stream Protection Rule, a safeguard crafted to protect clean water and the health of communities threatened by coal mining. Republican lawmakers overturned the protection rule using the Congressional Review Act, a seldom-used law which removes the public out of the process by allowing roll backs on recently finalized regulations.

President Trump mentioned to a Whitehouse staffer that he plans for Americans to stop eating fruits and vegetables in addition to Americans taking up smoking. “The deportation mandates of those who live and work in our country will assist—bigger tariffs on Mexican imports, and no farm workers working illegally to harvest crops. Who likes fruits and vegetables anyway? Nobody, that’s who. Vitamins and minerals are fake news.”

Tiffany Midge is an assistant poetry editor at The Rumpus, and an award-winning author of The Woman Who Married a Bear. Her work is featured in McSweeney's, The Rumpus, Okey-Pankey, The Butter, Waxwing, and Moss. She is Hunkpapa Lakota. Follow her on Twitter @TiffanyMidge