Announcer: We’re coming at you live today from JCPenney customer service desk here in Louisville, Kentucky, home to the Kentucky Derby, for the Post-Election U.S. Open in Racist Tirades Competition. Let me introduce the judges; first we have Tommy DeVito. Hello there, Tommy, how are you doing?
Tommy DeVito: Why? Do I amuse you? Am I clown? What exactly are you implying? Am I here for your amusement?
Announcer: Hahahaha, you’re a live wire there, Tommy! And next we have Anne Coulter. Welcome to JCPenney’s Customer Service, Ms. Coulter.
Anne Coulter: It’s Anne, call me Anne. Only my mother calls me Ms. Coulter. Are there hors d'oeuvres? I was told there’d be hors d'oeuvres, I’m starving! I’m so hungry I could eat a live baby. Where are we again? JCPenney. People actually shop here for clothes!? What a shithole, what a dump.
Announcer: I’d like to introduce our final judge Delores Abernathy, who traveled here all the way from Westworld. Hello Delores, thank you for being here today.
Delores Abernathy: [smiles with her lovely eyes] Oh, hello, some folks choose to only see the seedy underbelly of life, I choose to see the splendid panoramic sunsets.
Announcer: On deck for the racist rant competition today is an unidentified angry Kentucky resident who made the news recently for directing a racist tirade at a pair of shoppers who were checking out in line ahead of her. Those shoppers happened to be Latina. Joe, how would you rate her first maneuver? [Shows clip of angry shopper]: “I think everybody here feels the same damn way I do!” Attempts to rally other shoppers in line, acknowledges someone’s support, yells out “thank you!” Stands defiantly, as if expecting an applause.]
Tommy DeVito: Weak. No guts at all. I would have burned it all down and collected the insurance money. One-half a point.
Anne Coulter: In my new book “Adios America: The Left’s Plan to Turn Our Country into a Third World Hellhole” I very clearly state that America needs to secure the border! And it starts with JCPenney! There needs to be blockades set up at ALL area resident shopping malls, like yesterday! I rate angry lady’s first move a solid 10! Can I go higher than a 10? That grandma is tip-top in my book! Although she could use some styling advice, would it kill her to wear heels?
Delores Abernathy: These violent delights have violent ends.
Announcer: And how many points do you wish to assign, Delores?
Delores Abernathy: We all love the newcomers. Every new person I meet reminds me how lucky I am to be alive... and how beautiful this world can be [slaps fly].
Tommy DeVito: That broad’s a few fries short of a happy meal, I think she’d fold under questioning.
Announcer: Moving right along, here’s a classic move by our angry shopper, that we like to call Stepping Back to Jim Crow Era. [Runs clip of angry shopper addressing customer: “Go back to wherever the f**k you come from, lady.” Clerk asks angry shopper to watch her language.” She responds, “Hey! Tell them to go back to where they belong!”]
Tommy DeVito: You can trace immediate members of my family back to the old country. I’m proud of my immigrant roots. But those Latina chicks, they’re actually from here! Tell that lady to go home, she’s drunk! Zero. Zero points! The Mayans were among the first to invent zero, just saying.
Anne Coulter: As I wrote in my book “Adios America: The Left’s Plan to Turn Our Country into a Third World Hellhole,” America should be choosing immigrants like the New England Patriots choose players. They don’t have a lottery system for draft picks. Solid 10! Give that lady a medal! Extra point for use of colorful expletive! I wish I could say nothing but the “F” word, but then no one would invite me to be on CNN and FOX News anymore.
Delores Abernathy: Dear, dear, how queer everything is today. And yesterday, things went on just as usual. I wonder if I've been changed in the night.
Announcer: Delores? Would you like to offer a score?
Delores Abernathy: Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is... who in the world am I?
Anne Coulter: I’ll vote for robot girl, can I have her vote? TEN. All of my little piggies, TEN, TEN, TEN!
Announcer: Next, our angry shopper ups the ante. [Runs clip: “Just because you come from another country doesn’t make you nobody, get in the back of line like everybody else! The taxpayers probably pay for all that stuff!”] Tommy, how do you rate this play?
Tommy DeVito: Dat lady needs to stop busting everybody’s balls before someone smacks her with a fricken shinebox. She’s bought her fricken button. Again, nuttin’, I got nuttin’. Zero.
Anne Coulter: In my book …
Tommy DeVito: Again with the book plug! Lady, no one’s interested in your damn book. Just say your score so we can all get out of here, get our fricken checks, and call it a day, alright, already!
Anne Counter: Wait? You were told we’re getting a check? I wasn’t told I was getting a check. I was told I could promote my book. Hey …
Announcer: …And now it’s time for a break from our sponsor! We’ll be right back…[crash heard coming from off stage, incoherent yelling, Anne Coulter throws chair at Tommy DeVito’s head].
Delores Abernathy: I think there may be something wrong with this world. Something hiding underneath. Either that or... or there's something wrong with me. I may be losing my mind…[screen goes black].
Tiffany Midge is a contributor for Indian Country Today Media Network, and an assistant poetry editor at The Rumpus. Her work is featured in McSweeney’s, The Rumpus, Okey-Pankey, The Butter, Waxwing, and Moss. She is a Hunkpapa Lakota satirist. Follow her on Twitter @TiffanyMidge.