Native Humor: 10 Native New Year’s Resolutions You’ll Probably Never See

Happy New Year Native American style. Here's a list of funny Native New Year's resolutions you'll likely never see in Indian country.
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As the 2017 New Year’s baby crawls to the stage, Indian country is now officially recovering from 2016. Pat yourselves on the back — you made it. As thoughts of how you could have done things a bit better in 2016 form in your mind and you start to plan how 2017 will be different in the form of Native New Year’s resolutions, here are a few Indian country REZolutions you will likely never see.

Unlikely New Year’s Resolution #1

“I resolve to completely abstain from frybread.”

Even Fry Bread Eatin’ Rez Pups Chaco and Denali wouldn't think of attempting this rezolution.

Even Fry Bread Eatin’ Rez Pups Chaco and Denali wouldn't think of attempting this rezolution.

We are not saying anyone’s diet couldn’t be improved with a variety of fresh fruits and vegetables … but let’s get real. This resolution just ain't happening.

Unlikely New Year’s Resolution #2

“I’ll stop almost driving off the side of the road when we see an eagle or hawk fly over.”

The bald eagle is sacred to American Indians, and was named as the national emblem on June 20, 1872.

The bald eagle, is sacred to American Indians, and was named as the national emblem on June 20, 1872. And you know if you see one while driving - it might be your last one for a little while.

You know you do this. You’re driving down the road and any big raptor-type bird flies anywhere near your field of vision and as you turn to follow its flight, you nearly take out a station wagon filled with elders, a heavily Bondo-ed Toyota and and a semi.

Sure you may make some kind of resolution on this topic- but let’s be honest: there’s no way you can stick to such an impossible promise.

Unlikely New Year’s Resolution #3

“I’ll stop getting mad at people on Twitter, Facebook or any other social media.”

This angry guy on social media knows better than to make an impossible resolution.

This angry guy on social media knows better than to make an impossible resolution.

If you are Native person, keeping cool-headed on social media is about as impossible as putting that camel through the eye of the needle thing. In one hour of social media venturing, you’re sure to see numerous dopes committing appropriation, teaching a Native how to live their culture and too many mascots in sports like Chief Wahoo, the Redskins and more.

Unlikely New Year’s Resolution #4 (any Native elder)

“I’ll stop talking about my grandkids so much.”

Yes, thanks... I really do appreciate you telling me the last time Petey pooped without anyone helping him.

Yes, thanks... I really do appreciate you telling me the last time Petey pooped without anyone helping him.

To our dear Native elders, this is not a complaint, but we all know that any such resolution is simply not going to happen. We are comfortable with the fact that we will hear about Emily’s trip to Disneyland, Eddie’s new baby regalia, Cecelia’s diaper rash and Little Petey’s poop cycle. It’s ok Tota, we love you.

Unlikely New Year’s Resolution #5 (any Native drum group member)

“We’ll stop cramming 15 guys into a hotel room or car when we travel to a pow wow.”

A drum group sings at a pow wow.

A drum group sings at a pow wow.

Hey, we in Indian country all know too well that you guys need to save a few bucks whenever you travel. And that you drive WAY past the view of the check-in desk when picking up your hotel key. And we also know that you let all the other guys sneak in through the back door. And we know that this resolution will likely never happen.

Unlikely New Year’s Resolution #6

“We resolve that none of the guys in our drum group will ever have a tattoo.”

Tlingit tattoo artist Nahaan featured alongside “Healing Feather,” a one-of-a-kind eagle feather tattoo he made for Jaime Davis (Nisga’a) in 2015.

Tlingit tattoo artist Nahaan featured alongside “Healing Feather,” a one-of-a-kind eagle feather tattoo he made for Jaime Davis (Nisga’a) in 2015.

Ummm … no. P.S.: the same goes for hickeys. That eagle feather tattoo is all that by the way.

Unlikely New Year’s Resolution #7

“I resolve to not take any pow wow selfies.”

The Lakota Women Warriors at the 2014 Black Hills Pow Wow. Left to right: Kella With Horn, Lisa Jendry and Brenda White Bull

The Lakota Women Warriors at the 2014 Black Hills Pow Wow. Left to right: Kella With Horn, Lisa Jendry and Brenda White Bull

Is it just me, or does this one seem REALLY far-fetched? We see you in the midst the most traditionally intense pow wow fervor as you stop in order to … grab your Samsung Galaxy Note 5 from your regalia pocket and grab that #PowWowSelfie. This resolution will not ever happen. That regalia was awesome by the way.

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Unlikely New Year’s Resolution #8 (any Native teen)

“I’ll completely stop texting.”

Three happy friends smiling and texting on the phone. Texting will NEVER stop in Indian county.

Three happy friends smiling and texting on the phone. We all know texting will NEVER stop in Indian country.

Ummm … yeah. No words can explain the feeling of just how ignored we feel when we watch the dizzying pace of your fingers flying across that tiny keyboard combined with a speedy sound of clickety-clackety click-click-click. And no words can explain how impossible such a resolution would be. We wouldn’t want your fingers to cramp up from lack of use.

Unlikely New Year’s Resolution #9 (any Native man)

“I will never use the word ‘sorry’ when speaking to a Native woman.”

Every Native man likely knows the importance of the word 'sorry.'

Every Native man likely knows the importance of the word 'sorry.'

If you almost choked on your meal or drink when reading this, fellow Native men, you are not alone. I almost did the same when writing it. I’m more likely to get a tattoo of ‘sorry’ across my face than hold to this resolution.

Unlikely New Year’s Resolution #10 (any Native woman)

“I resolve NOT to give a Native man ‘that look’ whenever he does something dumb.”

photo of Buffalo Calf Road Woman

Buffalo Calf Road Woman was an expert in "that look."

Yeah … this also ain’t gonna happen, because we Native men will always do something dumb and if you didn’t give us that look of disappointment and subtle instruction- well, that would mean you don’t care care enough to scare the begeezus out of us with that fiery look once again.

Now get out there and fire up some realistic Native New Year's resolutions.

Follow Vincent Schilling (Akwesasne Mohawk) - ICMN’s Arts and Entertainment, Pow Wows and Sports Editor - Follow @VinceSchilling