Skip to main content

A List of Alternative Identities to Try for Fun and Profit

Now introducing Hoodwink Identities: a humorous but all-too familiar way to pretend to be Native.

Has pretending to be indigenous ever gotten you down? Is your farce starting to wear a little thin? Do you feel like you’re in a slump? Tired of the unending grind of playing make-believe and stealing from Indians? If you’re feeling unfair backlash from pretending to be indigenous and your Indian disguises are no longer cutting it, you should try Hoodwink Identities. Here at Hoodwink Identities we realize what a slog it is to duck and dodge the criticism of others and to find yourself forever on the defensive. It’s almost as if you’re a bandit on the lam, or some garden-variety hooligan evading the po-po. We realize how stressful indigenous identity pirating can be, and that’s why we are offering several fine alternative packages for all of your hornswoggling needs.

COYOTE ACME: Coyote is the quintessential huckster and is sure to meet all of your flim-flam needs. This package is perfect for pretendians of all levels, beginning, intermediate, or advanced. For a limited time only this package comes with a free all-you-can-eat-buffet of baloneysauce, or your choice of anvils, dynamite, and baby grand pianos. Look out for Roadrunner!

RHODODENDRON BUSH: No one would ever suspect the non-descript, guileless rhododendron bush, why even former Communications Director Sean Spicer endorses the efficacy of the bush. It’s not just for evading the press core anymore! Buy now while limited supplies last. Also comes in azalea, rose, and hydrangea.

[text_ad]

WINDIGO: If you can’t win them over with your charm, try scaring them into submission. Works better than a Stephen King scary clown hiding in the storm drain every time! So terrifying you’ll have them crapping their pants!

Scroll to Continue

Read More

JUSTIN TRUDEAU: Our highest selling package, as popular in the U.S. as in Canada. While it isn’t always easy to convince people that you’re the Prime Minister of Canada, you’ll certainly have fun trying. Package comes with free Justin Trudeau is My Spirit Animal t-shirt and trucker cap.

THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL LUNCH LADY: Do you enjoy the laughter of children? Then this package is for you! It comes with a free hot lunch, hair net and plastic apron. No one knows what happens to the lunch lady after school meals are served. Does she live in the walk-in freezer? Is she a member of the foreign legion? The lunch lady is as mysterious as the mystery meat for Taco Tuesdays.

A REAL LIVE FUCKING GRIZZLY BEAR: Go ahead, be daring, be bold, be king of the fucking forest, or don a top hat and a pair of tap shoes and dance at the Mall of America. So what if you’re just wearing last year’s marked down Chewbacca costume from Halloween Discount Xpress, people believe just about anything these days. Tell them you’re a fucking griz, they’ll buy into it. They’re like Mikey, they’ll eat anything.

HISTORICAL RACIST PUBLIC STATUE: This package is perfect for blending in at any occasion and provides the ideal backdrop for eavesdropping on private conversations, loitering, or party and event crashing. You’ll rival the chocolate fondue and champagne fountain and this disguise is a big hit with the kids and pigeons. Exercise caution when using; public statues are prone to toppling and spontaneously combusting. We’re currently offering a special on our Mt. Rushmore package.

Tiffany Midge is a poetry editor for The Rumpus, and an award-winning author of The Woman Who Married a Bear. Her work is featured in McSweeney's, Okey-Pankey, The Butter, Waxwing, and Moss. She is Hunkpapa Lakota. Follow her on Twitter @TiffanyMidge.