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How Did I Miss That? Holy Shih Tzu! Bernie Flies Coach

KHOU reported that Alicia McIntosh’s Chrysanthemum Dog (aka shih tzu), Corey, escaped from the backyard of her Washington, D.C. home back in 2014. She made the rounds of the shelters without result and then, in October, moved to Houston.

In January—almost a year after Corey’s disappearance, she got a call from a Montgomery County, Maryland animal shelter. Corey had been found in front of a grocery store in Derwood, Maryland and taken to the shelter, where a microchip led to Ms. McIntosh’s email address. She flew to Maryland and had a tearful reunion with Corey, who jumped into her arms and licked her face.

Let’s hear it for microchips!

Great Big Story reported on several theories how an island off the coast of Japan came to be overrun by feral rabbits.

However they got there, the bunnies are now tourist attractions and appear well fed.

My cousin Ray Sixkiller was wondering whether the Japanese are aware that rabbits are good to eat?

A university president here in the U.S. showed how much less sentimental we are about rabbits. Mount St. Mary’s University is a small Catholic school in Maryland. It hired a private equity manager, Simon Newman, as President. The assignment for the new boss was to improve the school’s image.

An issue that needed attention was retention numbers, so President Newman made plans to cull the herd by getting rid of struggling freshmen.

In an effort to sell his plan to skeptical faculty, he argued:

This is hard for you because you think of the students as cuddly bunnies, but you can’t. You just have to drown the bunnies.

Put a Glock to their heads.

Persons present spoke to reporters from the campus newspaper, The Mountain Echo, and the paper naturally reported the story.

Newman did not deny his choice of language. In fact, he apologized. And then fired the faculty advisor to the newspaper for “disloyalty.”

The University’s board seemed disposed to back up President Newman, although the chair told The New York Times his statement was worthy of “bad-metaphor-hall-of-fame.”

Cousin Ray thought I was being too critical. “The guy was doing what he was hired to do. That little school got almost as much publicity as Harvard did when its President talked about why women can’t learn science.”

Ray had a point. And the private equity guy sure taught those student journalists the price of speaking truth to power…or letting anybody else do it.”

Having taken the bunnies down a peg, let’s trash puppy dogs a little before we move on.

DuffelBlog reported that ISIS has threatened an attack on Puppy Bowl XII in a video that showed a masked fighter holding a machete to the neck of a puppy and declaiming, “Bring your soldiers and Marines to fight us here in our homeland. Or else Puppy Bowl will move from Animal Planet to the History Channel!”

Foreign Policy reported that Rosoboronexport, the Russian government’s export agency, is hawking a robot called Uran-9. It comes with a cannon, a machine gun, and remote guided anti-tank weapons. It is operated from inside a nearby truck. The robot is expected to fly off the shelves.

“Coming soon,” Cousin Ray chuckled, “to a Radio Shack near you.”

Popular Science reported a clause in the terms of use of Amazon’s Lumberyard software, which admonishes that it’s not to be used in “life-critical or safety-critical systems.” The terms of use go on to recognize that, in a true emergency, everybody will use whatever is handy, and so they provide an exception:

However, this restriction will not apply in the event of the occurrence (certified by the United States Centers for Disease Control or successor body) of a widespread viral infection transmitted via bites or contact with bodily fluids that causes human corpses to reanimate and seek to consume living human flesh, blood, brain or nerve tissue and is likely to result in the fall of organized civilization.

Since lawyers like to use language that already exists, Amazon has likely created an industry standard zombie apocalypse clause.

This news reminded me of the New Hampshire results suppressed by the lamestream media, the results for perennial candidate Vermin Supreme, the only candidate with a clear position on the zombie apocalypse:

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I am the only candidate who has a plan to protect America from the imminent zombie invasion and I will be harnessing the awesome power of zombies to create electric energy utilizing the latest in giant hamster wheel technology.

The other three legs of his platform are mandatory tooth brushing, time travel research to the purpose of going back to kill baby Hitler, and—in a direct challenge to Bernie Sanders—free ponies for all Americans who register for the federal pony identification system.

On this platform, Vermin Supreme got 256 votes and was barely edged out by withdrawn candidate Martin O’Malley with 619. Supreme did beat former Virginia Gov. Jim Gilmore, who scored last among Republicans with 131 votes.

Candidates of both parties quickly decamped New Hampshire to avoid joint TV appearances with Vermin Supreme.

Stephen Colbert, commenting on a picture of Bernie Sanders flying coach, asked Sanders why he was sitting in the middle seat? Was he doing penance for something?

“No, it was because I couldn’t get the aisle seat or the damn window seat!”

Cousin Ray wanted to know where he keeps the Bernie Jet? He was shocked when I explained Bernie did not have a Bernie Jet to compete with the Trump Jet. Thinking it over, Ray agreed that it might be hard to make the payments when his average contribution, stalled at $27 before New Hampshire, just inched back over $30.

Marco Rubio had a hard time towards the end of the New Hampshire campaign, trailing bad jokes and guys in robot costumes.

Did you hear about Marco Robo?

Brainwash. Rinse. Repeat.

Rubio supporters took direct action against the robots. Two days after Rubio melted down during the last GOP debate. Jeb! Bush appeared on Morning Joe and played some word association:

Rubio? “Work in progress.”

Trump? “Loser.” (Studio audience: “Ooooooh.”)

Bernie? “I love that ad!”

Everybody knows what ad Bush meant. Simon and Garfunkel are so far the stars of this silly season.

Either to prove how ultra-conservative he is or because anybody can approach a candidate in New Hampshire, Breitbart News claimed an “exclusive” interview with Jeb! Bush at his Super Bowl party, about which I should probably mention that Jeb! was one of the few GOP candidates with the gumption to cheer for Denver with a primary coming up in Carolina. Because it is Breitbart, we can’t ignore the possibility Bush did not know who was asking, but he reportedly said of Marco Rubio that Hillary Clinton “will scrape the bark off a candidate that has never done anything. It’d be ugly.”

Cousin Ray had two comments, the first being a snort because Bush was apparently agreeing for the first time that Barack Obama had a first term record in the Senate a bit more significant than either Rubio or Cruz. While I admire my Republican cousin’s honesty, I had to point out that Obama never shut the government down and Cruz did.

That brought out the snark. “Right. Obama never read Green Eggs and Ham on the Senate floor, either.” Ray’s other comment about Bush’s statement was, “What bark?”

Former Mexican President Felipe Calderon gave an interview on CNBC where he commented on one of The Donald Trump’s major campaign promises that the Mexican people “are not going to pay any single cent for such a stupid wall. And it's going to be completely useless." Calderon noted that Trump “is ambitious but not exactly a very well-informed man.”

President Calderon is wrong. Trump is well informed that the people he can get to vote for him are not—and that’s all he needs to know.

The Anti-Drug Abuse Act of 1988 required that signs be posted outside federal facilities warning that weapons are prohibited if law enforcement claims the right to search people entering or wants to prosecute persons who are packing. USA Today reported that the signs just went up at the White House.

Ted Cruz commented, “This proves Obama wants to take your guns. Both President Bushes got along without those signs. Even Clinton didn’t put them up, but he probably forgot.”

Cousin Ray commented that Trump would have gotten that sign up in his first term, but Ray was not sure what the sign would have said.

CNN reported that Joshua James, 23, was charged with aggravated assault and unlawful possession of an alligator in Royal Palm Beach, Florida, after he pitched a three and a half foot alligator in a Wendy’s drive though window.

Cousin Ray figured James just wanted the gator cooked and pointed out he’d have better luck at the Swamp Water Café over on the Big Cypress Seminole Reservation, “meaning no offense to Wendy’s.”