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How Did I Miss That? Crack-Smoking Mayor, Plagiarizing Senator

Ten Republicans who may soon get labeled RINOs (Republicans in Name Only) voted with Senate Democrats for the ENDA (Employee Non-Discrimination Act) employment discrimination against gay people. The Orange Man who is the gatekeeper in the House swears ENDA shall not get a vote there, so counting votes would be fruitless. The only hope is to attach it to a bill repealing Obamacare.

The Grocery Manufacturers Association is dismayed over the Food and Drug Administration proposal to ban trans-fats. Cousin Ray Sixkiller claims there was a time when groceries were not "manufactured." I am not informed.

Foreign Policy writes that Venezuela hired Rudy Giuliani to recommend measures to combat the wave of street crime in Caracas—but all his suggestions were ignored. Your correspondent surmises that the Giuliani Report got reduced to only a couple of pages after the locals cut out every mention of 9-11, and they found the idea of stopping and frisking all Hispanics to be a little more burdensome in Caracas than it was in New York City.

The video showing Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack cocaine was finally made public and therefore Mayor Ford admitted to smoking crack. Later in the week, another video surfaced in which Mayor Ford promised to kill a political opponent in spectacularly gruesome ways. To emphasize the seriousness of the threat, he screamed at the camera “I’m a sick MF, dude!” Did I mention he’s the Mayor of Toronto? When I asked Cousin Ray if he would vote for Mayor Ford, he replied, “Are you smoking crack?”

Back in the US, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius told Congress she intends to fix the website but is having trouble finding it from her AOL account. A House subcommittee voted to change the method of the federal death penalty from lethal injection to drawing and quartering in her case only, and each GOP Congressman immediately instructed the teenager in charge of his Twitter account to “announce a twit.”

This was the Week of Plagiarism Reveals for Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul, who at first denied the charges and attributed them to "haters." Paul eventually retreated to the political passive voice, "mistakes were made," and blamed it on his staff. On the Hill, ghostwriting for the boss is a high status job comes with a pretty high salary as government jobs go. Paul's staff has an even cushier deal, since they don't even have to be original--Paul says nobody will be fired. Cousin Ray Sixkiller points out that Paul was caught when summaries of movie plots from Wikipedia were loaded directly into the TelePrompTer. Ray wonders if he could get a job watching science fiction movies for Sen. Paul?

Texas Gov. Rick Perry made his first trip back to Iowa since his presidential campaign tripped over his tongue. Cousin Ray says Gov. Perry finally remembered the third government agency he wants to abolish, so he is now ready to be President.

President Obama called a press conference to announce the improvements to the website, but the live demonstration was cancelled because he couldn’t get on.

Republican Ken Cuccinelli, who supported mandatory transvaginal ultrasound for women seeking an abortion and came out against birth control as an abstract proposition, became a casualty in the war on women in the Virginia governor’s race when the women unexpectedly shot back at him. Cuccinelli crusaded on behalf of a Virginia “sodomy law” that criminalized oral sex without regard to the gender of the parties or whether they are married. Polling data showed that most Americans have engaged in oral sex, and Cousin Ray dared Cuccinelli to say that the law “sucks.”

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was reelected in a landslide in a state with more registered Democrats than Republicans, leading the suicide caucus of the Republican Party to attack Christie as a RINO. Ray objected to making fun of the man’s weight problem.

Texas “historian” of evangelical Christianity David Barton finally rejected pleas from the Tea Party to run against Sen. John Cornyn, who suffers from not being quite as crazy as Ted Cruz. Barton recognizes global climate change caused by humans but believes the cause is legal abortions in the United States. Cousin Ray lauds Barton’s “American exceptionalism,” since God is ready to take down the entire planet over US laws, and wonders if we could get a few tornadoes whipped up to change the name of the Washington football team?

The tremendously exciting quarterback of the Washington football team, RGIII, continues to get the living crap beaten out of him. Team owner Dan Snyder says he will never change the racial slur in the team name and will spend whatever of his billions it costs to defend the name. Cousin Ray asked if there might be enough left in the petty cash to invest in a couple of offensive linemen?