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How Did I Miss That? Cherokee Tradition; Free Your Pits!

Young men did have fashion fads in my generation even if we thought underwear stayed under street clothes. There was the Elvis pompadour and sideburns, then a Beatle cut like a bowl on your noggin, and then my personal favorite: a full-on natural non-haircut that briefly made traditional Indian hair fashionable. Being Cherokee, I had a decision to make about shaving the front and I decided life was too short for all the explaining.

Young women had their own fads. The braless look held the advantage of being quickly reversible in case of a job interview. The Brazilian took over so completely that a generation of young men came of age innocent of the fact that women start out with pubic hair. One theory about how that one spread was porn movies, where hairy women got indexed under “fetishes.”

The latest thing is dyeing armpit hair, which is as much a political statement as a fashion statement. The dye comes in bright colors and some young women call it a movement.

“A movement?” My cousin Ray Sixkiller was nonplussed. “I get demanding the right to vote, equal pay, and even breastfeeding babies whenever they get hungry. But armpit hair?”

He piped down pretty quickly when I asked if he would like to shave his.

Chinese Internet censors have their priorities, and the most important things to keep tamped down are words like “Tiananmen Square Massacre” or “tank guy” or “democracy” or “Falun Gong.” So-called pornography sits in the back of the censorship bus, well behind politics.

Understanding that might excuse the censors for allowing a sex video to go viral this week when two anonymous citizens managed to selfie themselves making the beast with two backs in a fitting room of Uniqlo, a Japanese clothing store.

According to The New York Times, The Cyberspace Administration of China was calling the bosses of the two leading Chinese Internet companies, Sina and Tencent, on the carpet.

Sina owns Weibo, the Chinese analog to Facebook and Twitter, and they blocked 35 Weibo accounts in the first few hours of the on line sex scandal, but I guess they call it “viral” for a reason.

Cousin Ray, no fan of censorship, asked me whether ICTMN could be accessed from China.

“As far as I know. We don’t cover much Chinese politics.”

“I can fix that,” Ray snickered, and then summoned his most stentorian tone: “Xi Jinping is ugly,” Cousin Ray declaimed, “and his mama dresses him funny.”

China may hack the U.S. government and Russian gangsters may hack major banks, but now it’s gotten serious. This week, hackers struck Ashley Madison, the website that profits from arranging adultery and runs under the slogan, “Life is short—have an affair.”

Ashley Madison claims 37 million members, and the hackers purportedly got user emails, passwords, zip codes, and….sexual preferences. CNN Money reported that the Ashley Madison hack replicates a similar feat against Adult FriendFinder in March that netted the fetishes and sexual secrets of 3.5 million people.

Speaking of exotic sex, Lucasfilm’s Star Wars Twitter account took GQ to task for “inappropriate use of our characters,” probably referring to a photo of Amy Schumer in an apparent ménage à trois with R2-D2 and C-3PO. Cousin Ray speculated that GQ would have gotten in even more trouble “if they had used those photos of her with Chewbacca.”

This next item also involves sex, but takes a while to get there.

I’ve criticized Arizona Sen. John McCain for trying to apply the brakes to the new GI Bill. I was all over him for his part in the gifting of an Apache sacred site to a foreign mining corporation. I didn’t care for his cutesy “bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran.”

I’m not in the tank for Sen. McCain. However, the rumor fest attributed to Karl Rove in the South Carolina primary of 2000---that he fathered a child with a black prostitute, that his wife was a drug addict, that his time as a POW had rendered him too mentally unstable to be POTUS—was despicable.

Comes now The Donald Trump complaining of McCain’s record as a Vietnam War POW while campaigning in Iowa: “He’s not a war hero. He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.”

The Vietnamese never captured Trump because the U.S. military never captured him. Trump always claimed he did not serve because of a high number in the draft lottery, and it’s true that he drew a safe 356. That begs the question why the would-be commander in chief did not join. Shooting holes in Trump’s story, The Smoking Gun posted documents that appeared to show that Trump received four student deferments and a medical deferment before the draft lottery even happened.

Back in the present, Frank Bruni published a hilarious op-ed in The New York Times comparing The Donald with Italy’s Silvio Berlusconi in a sort of Narcissism smackdown. I’m disqualified by sexual orientation from opining on the sex appeal of either billionaire blowhard, but they are happy to save me the trouble.


All of the women on “The Apprentice” flirted with me, consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected. * * * Oftentimes when I was sleeping with one of the top women in the world I would say to myself … “Can you believe what I’m getting?”


When asked if they would like to have sex with me, 30 percent of women said, “Yes,” while the other 70 percent replied, “What, again? ”

After you finish ROFL, remember that Berlusconi was the elected Prime Minister of Italy three times. And The Donald has pulled ahead of Jeb Bush in polls of likely Republican Primary voters, raising the possibility that the GOP will be trying to replace the family man in the White House with God’s gift to women.

Media outlets from NPR to Deadspin have pointed out that the cost of NASA’s close up photos of the former planet Pluto was $720 million, which is less that the new football stadium for the Minnesota Vikings, but Deadspin went on to suggest sending the Vikings to Pluto so they could be the best football team on some planet. Cousin Ray pointed out that the trip takes ten years, “which means the Vikings could get to Pluto before they’re likely to get to the Super Bowl.”

Islamophobic space cadet Pamela Geller blogged about an ISIS tweet that began “O Americans Dogs” and “predicted” the shootings in Chattanooga that took the lives of a Navy petty officer and four Marines. Catherine Herridge reported the same on Fox News. While the obnoxious tweet was time stamped 10:34—very close to when the shooting started---it came from the Pacific Time Zone. Chattanooga is in the Eastern Time Zone. Duh.

All the news channels carried footage of protesters following President Obama around on his visit to an Oklahoma federal prison carrying numerous Northern Virginia battle flags, which are mistakenly taken for Confederate battle flags and have been appropriated in modern times as symbols of white supremacy.

The KKK showed up in Charleston, South Carolina to protest the removal of their beloved symbol of white supremacy. The New York Times quoted one Klan fan screaming at a group of black counter-demonstrators, some claiming the mantle of the so-called New Black Panther Party: “This is my country! My ancestors founded this country!” Cousin Ray commented, “All that’s missing from that is ‘we stole it fair and square!’”

Marc Antony said of Julius Caesar, “The evil that men do lives after them. The good is oft interrèd with their bones.” That line comes to mind as the New Black Panther Party prances around with weapons and bandies loose talk…with no hint of feeding hungry children, doing home repairs for elders, or any of the other actions that mitigated the mass media’s portrayal of the original Black Panther Party.

Since it was not a direct quote, it’s hard to tell if a New Black Panther Party supporter or TheNew York Times reporter spouted the egregious innumeracy that blacks should be inspired to “demand greater equality.”

In light of the recent item in this space about shark attacks, I should note that WebMD pointed out this week more people are killed every year from encounters with Christmas lights than with sharks.

Tell that to spectators or the live TV audience watching the surfing championships in Jeffreys Bay, South Africa. The current champion, Australian Mick Fanning, was waiting for a wave when a shark came up behind Fanning, knocked him off his board, and pulled him under.

A courageous competitor, Julian Wilson, is seen on video frantically paddling toward the spot where Fanning went down. Fanning was under less than ten seconds and, in about 30 seconds, safety crews on jet-skis scooped up both men. The rest of the competition was called off.

Cousin Ray was riveted. “That’s almost as much excitement as the Cherokee elections!”