Okay, this is it. I’ve had it, this is the last straw!
Yet again, People magazine snubbed me as its Sexiest Man Alive.
I just don’t know what’s wrong with People. Do they really think the average woman would rather play kissy-face with George Clooney, instead of me?
That’s so preposterous that I don’t know where to start to refute that argument.
People can’t honestly think that women would choose a weekend at Clooney’s Italian villa over a weekend with me at the Window Rock, Arizona flea market.
I’m willing to cut the magazine some slack when they pick stars like Clooney, Sean Connery or Brad Pitt. I realize that those Hollywood “pretty boy” types have large egos and need to be coddled. But they selected Adam Levine for 2013’s Sexiest?
Give me a break. First of all, who the heck is Adam Levine? It sounds like a porn name, if you ask me.
“Now playing, Porn With the Wind, starring Adam Le Vine as Rhett Buttocks.”
Well, People this is where I put my foot—my sexy foot, I might add—down. I hereby insist that People remove my name from future consideration. Never again will it get the chance to “conveniently” ignore me.
It’s not going to hurt me any, but I feel sorry for the millions of ladies that will be deprived of the chance to hang my poster on their bedroom walls. I guess they’ll have to be content with Bieber Fever instead of catching Hopfluenza.
Yep, People really screwed up this time. If they were looking for star power, they blew it by choosing Adam Levine.
I’m not one to brag, but – if it’s true, it ain’t bragging, right? – so let me tell you about my star power:
1. I have the same body type as Brad Pitt. That is to say, two arms, two legs, one nose, etc. They may be arranged in different proportions, but who cares about that?
2. Talk about having an impact on women! I’ve heard that women rush to the stage when Adam Levine is singing. Big whooping deal, Adam! When I sing women—and men—rush for the door.
3. I’ve got animal magnetism. Sure, the ladies may find Adam hot, but let’s face it, he only appeals to humans. I can barely walk around my neighborhood without some dog trying to do the wild thing on my leg! Of course, that doesn’t happen so much now that I’ve stopped rubbing canned dog food all over my legs, but …
4. My bedroom prowess also gives me a leg up on the competition. Forget about being sexual dynamite, I’m nitroglycerin. You have to handle it with care, just one shake and it could explode in your hand.
5. I’ve got the kind of body that makes women beg; “Please get away from me,” “Please put your shirt back on,” etc.
6. One look at my sexy body and women start thinking of wedding bells. Or anything else heavy enough to knock me out with while they escape.
7. Ladies like to be wooed, to feel special. When I approach a lady, I lower my voice to a seductive tone and whisper, “If I controlled the alphabet, I’d rearrange the letters and put ‘u’ and ‘I’ together.”
If it’s looks alone that gets your motor running, well I’ve got those, too. I guess I have kind of the classic Hollywood look. Valentino was known as “The Sheik,” while I’m more the type that makes women shriek.
And I must be as funny as Charlie Chaplin, because when I undress, the ladies can’t stop laughing.
The secret to my success is probably my sculpted body. It took a lot of Twinkies and jelly donuts to get just the full-figured shape I have today. And if you get turned on by six packs, just wait’ll you get a peek at me! I can down a six pack of Diet Dr. Pepper in a single day.
Altogether, I’d have to rate my sexiness somewhere between Don Knotts and Lyle Lovett; with a touch of Marty Feldman, thrown in.
I don’t know why People refuse to see my inner beauty. I’m not the ugliest duckling on the pond, not as long as the flock includes Steve Buscemi and Marilyn Manson.
Though, come to think of it, when I got married my wife, Sara, did insist that I wear the veil.
John Christian Hopkins is a member of the Narragansett Indian Tribe of Rhode Island. He is the author of Carlomagno. He currently lives on he Navajo Reservation with his wife, Sararesa.