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Deez Nuts, Mr. TrippyCup and Other Crazy Candidates Not Named Trump Pt. 2

Every Presidential election sees characters come out of the woodwork and announce their run for the position of Commander in Chief.

Every Presidential election sees characters come out of the woodwork and announce their run for the position of Commander in Chief. The following is the second part at a look at some of these so-called characters.

RELATED: Deez Nuts, Mr. TrippyCup and Other Crazy Candidates Not Named Trump Pt. 1

Rather than mix canines with felines, I’ll start a new category with Bailey D. Dog, Independent of Illinois, not to be confused with Very Odd Dog of the same state, representing the Natural Law Party. Then there is Lord Jesus Dog Ickes of Pennsylvania, of the W Party, which I sincerely hope does not mean George W. Bush has his own outfit now.

Dr. Zakk Flash, who lists his party as “Other,” gets mentioned only so I can ask if his nickname is Jumping Jack and because he runs from Norman, Oklahoma, so he could easily be a closet Indian. If Flash is your man, send money to the Anarchist Campaign Committee.

Seeking to crash the gender barrier, we have Luci Fer, an Independent who already lives in Washington, D.C., which I would have guessed from watching Congress the last few years. Right behind Ms. Fer is Lady Sparkle Kawaii, Independent from Florida, who calls her committee Lolitas on Liberty.

Mr. Turk Yolnintimes Fratterson of California is seeking the Republican nomination and raising money through Turk’s Ultrapatriotic Campaign Action Committee.

Outside both feline and canine categories, we have Independent candidate Pepe the Frog of San Francisco, whose campaign committee is called Le Meme Party (Pepe Rare Le Feels of Florida also claims Le Meme). Lucille Hamster of Philadelphia is running in a party called OE, which in my world is “Original Equipment.”

I’m undecided whether this candidate comes under royalty or celebrity: Emperor Fredrick Lindsey Lohan Goku, who lists his or her party as IDP but the campaign committee is MLG. To me, it’s WTF?

From the University town of Raleigh, North Carolina, comes Alexander Gordh The First, seeking nomination by the Prohibition Party. Since Prohibition seems an unlikely cause in a University town, Mr. The First tried to make up ground in naming his campaign committee Concerned Americans for Peace, Prosperity, Happiness, Alexander Gordh, Weaponized Ibuprof. He lost me there at the end, but I’ll drink to that.

Zoltan Istvan Gyurko is seeking the nomination of the Transhumanist Party from (naturally) California.

Mary Jane is running as a Libertarian from Tennessee with a campaign committee called Marijuana for President.

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Obi Wan Indiana Kenobi Jedi of Alabama does not name his party, but his committee is The Jedi Council. I asked his campaign manager if he really thought Obi Wan could do it? The little guy said he told Obi Wan “Do or not do—there is no try.”

Kaptain Dank Ass Kush is an Independent from the Virgin Islands. Citizens of the U.S. Virgin Islands cannot vote for President (although U.S. citizens who moved there can) so that is a disadvantage. Captain Kush has an advantage in that a certain popular song could easily become his theme with a minor change in the lyrics.

Maher Maher of New Jersey is contesting for the Communist Party nomination. Sounds fishy to me, but not as fishy as Duke Crantiffinus Adraguizes Poxtificate, who is seeking the same nomination through the Committee for Satan’s Welfare.

Limberbutt McCubbins is seeking the Democratic nomination from Kentucky.

Somebody named Beast Mode from Seattle filed papers. Must be Marshawn Lynch, right? If so, I can’t wait to see him debate a California candidate named Seattle Seachickens Suck.

I’m going to breeze right past the guy who is using the N word for his ballot name to get to the estimable Deez Nuts. Right next to Mr. Nuts of PPP fame is Bofa Deez Nuts, Independent of Florida, and Deez W. Nutz of New York. This election already had more nuts than a Collin Street Bakery fruitcake just in the first Republican debate, but there are plenty more if we shake the tree.

We have Ms. Brystol S. Palyn but her S is for Sarah rather than Sheeran and she hails from Michigan rather than Alaska and she does not ID as a Republican but rather NPA, which I take to mean No Political Affiliation. I am not informed whether she is pregnant. There is a candidate from Alaska, who filed as Buddy the Elf.

His Majesty Satan Lord of Underworld Prince of Darkness is seeking the Republican nomination from College Station, Texas, home of Texas A & M University, through his campaign committee His Majesty Satan Lord of Underworld Prince of Darkness for a Brighter Future. I’m thinking the Koch Brothers must have named his committee. Contesting him is King Satan of the Jewish Christian National Party, whose committee is parsimoniously called Sin.

I believe a guy from California is seeking the presidential nomination of the New White Party. I’m not sure I believe what his papers say, that his name is Dinesh Ravishanker.

Ronald Reagan’s Ghost filed papers to run from Minnesota and finally proved my thesis that the sainted Gipper could not be elected dogcatcher in today’s GOP. Mr. Ghost filed as an Independent. Explaining why Reagan could not run as a Republican, a candidate calling itself Brink of Sanity has. While we are on the subject of reincarnation, Johnny Goddamn Roosevelt calls his committee The Bull Moose Party Rises.

Bippy the Clown, who apparently lent his car to the 2012 GOP Primary, is running without a party this time. It does appear that this time a clown car will not be sufficient. I wonder if Bippy raised enough political money to charter a Boeing Dreamliner?

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