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Deez Nuts, Mr. TrippyCup and Other Crazy Candidates Not Named Trump Pt. 1

Every Presidential election sees characters come out of the woodwork and announce their run for the position of Commander in Chief.

Every Presidential election sees characters come out of the woodwork and announce their run for the position of Commander in Chief. The following is the first part at a look at some of these so-called characters.

Public Policy Polling is a respectable outfit with a pretty good track record for the short time they have been laboring in the political vineyards. So when PPP began to register numbers in the high single digits for an Independent candidate by the name of Deez Nuts in three different states when placed in competition with the leading candidates of the major parties (Republican Donald Trump and Democrat Hillary Clinton), it was time to go to the Federal Election Commission website and investigate Mr. Nuts. It seemed prudent to see who else had filed papers to run for POTUS but had not yet come to our attention.

According to the FEC as of August 25, we have 861 choices, all the way from Republican AAA TrueProsNC of North Carolina to Independent Daniel Paul Zutler of Florida.

Some of these candidates promise as much or even more entertainment value than The Donald Trump. Candidates are placed in alphabetical order within categories.

Hailing from Two Rivers, Wisconsin, we have Sir TrippyCup aka Young Trippz aka The GOAT aka The Prophet aka Earl. Mr. TrippyCup lists his political affiliation as FED, which might mean he has resurrected the Federalist Party or he thought the question was state or federal election or he wants donations sent a particular way and he forgot EX. Earl got to the front of the list because his form was alphabetized as aka.

Independent Tar Sauron Annatar registers from Mordor, Michigan, but he can see you from wherever he is. His principal campaign committee is designated as Nazgul, 666 Barad-dur, also in Mordor. Sauron requires electoral support only until he finds the One True Ring, so this may be his only election. He does not intend to make a hobbit of it.

An Independent candidate from New York registers as Dat Ass, which is normally how we refer to a POTUS after the election, so I gather Mr. or Ms. Ass is cutting out the election as middleman. Another Independent candidate is a bit more refined but still approaching the election from the backside: Sydneys Voluptuous Buttocks of Buffalo, New York. I did not interfere with this form by adding a possessive apostrophe, lest Sydney kick my ass. Bringing up the rear is Butt Stuff of the Independence Party.

Rocky Balboa has registered to run as an Independent from Gladstone, Missouri. I would have sworn he was a Democrat from Philadelphia. Another celebrity candidate, Jason Bourne, declined to say where he lives. Captain Crunch is running as an Independent from California. Jack Sparrow claims to have no permanent address at this time but he registered a Gmail address.

Sounding like a comment on what it takes to run is Dem Balls, Democrat from Prospect Heights, Illinois. Rounding out the genitalia candidates is a fellow who already lives in Washington, D.C., and registers under a name that ridicules The Donald. Because this is a family publication, I’ll only mention the name of his campaign committee, Ballsack for President, 2016. I’m also skipping the candidate whose name involves a feline reference for feminine genitalia. Can I tell you about Tyrone Longdick?

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Elsa, Queen of Arenndale, claims the imprimatur of the UN and is running from the great state of Washington. I’m not sure why a Queen wants to be POTUS. Likewise, President Emperor Caesar, Democrat from Florida, would also seem to already have it all. Also His Royal Majesty Caesar Saint Augustine de Buonaparte, Emperor of the United States of Turtle Island, seeking the nomination of the Absolute Dictator Party. There is a separate filing by Queen Elsa Ice of the same city and state as the other Queen Elsa, but the Ice Queen is an Independent. These queens and one king are getting competition from Princess Oawlawolwadol from California.

Mr. Robert Igor Boris has neglected his paperwork, so we are left with only his name and, of course, The Mash.

Mr. Dean Alan Capone filed to run without party affiliation from his vacation retreat in Florida. Al also maintains residences in Chicago and an island in San Francisco Bay. Moving in on Al’s turf is Communist Party candidate Chang Gang Triad.

Fidel Ruz Castro has filed to run for the Communist Party, listing a residence in Miami. He claims to have a lot of experience, but last I heard his health was not good, so voters would do well to pay attention to his VP pick.

Buddy the Cat has filed to run as a Democrat from Glendale, Arizona.

‘Murican Cookies of Pacifica, California, is seeking the presidential nomination of the D.C. Statehood Green Party. In roughly the same jar is Cookie Sir Zealot, whose political committee is The Cookie Cult of America. So that’s where those Girl Scout Thin Mints come from? It had to be a cult.

Crawfish B. Crawfish of (where else?) New Orleans declined to specify a political party, but his designated campaign committee is Krewe of Crawfish, Avoyelles Parish.

Jeffrey Dahmer of Maryland is running on the Independence Party ticket. He is expected to win the nomination of that party. The last guy who ran against him, Dahmer ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

OK, maybe UN does not mean United Nations. Unaffiliated? But how would that differ from Independent? Whatever it means, the latest UN candidate is Dogecoin Dark Doged of Jupiter. Jupiter, Florida.

The final part on these so-called candidates will appear tomorrow.