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Are You There, Christmas? It’s Me, Carol

I don’t know about you, but I’m still waiting for the NDN versions of the holiday classic movies. There are many, many adaptions of A Christmas Carol, all with extra special twists. SNL did a version with the hilarious Alec Baldwin lampooning Trump. I hoped that Donald “Scrooge” would be visited by the ghost of president past, Richard Nixon, who’d dispense some useful and sage advice. But alas, he was visited by Putin instead.

You might be surprised to learn that Gremlins is listed as a holiday movie. And in case you’re like me and didn’t already know, Die Hard, and Lethal Weapon are also considered to be holiday treats, right up there with It’s a Wonderful Life and Miracle on 34th Street.

While those holiday gems might trigger ALL of the feelings, they don’t come anywhere near to warming the heart’s cockles more than the Yuletide classic, Female Trouble starring the late great Divine, a family favorite also listed as a holiday go-to.

I don’t know about you, but I’m still waiting for the NDN versions of the holiday classic movies. There are many, many adaptions of A Christmas Carol, all with extra special twists. SNL did a version with the hilarious Alec Baldwin lampooning Trump. I hoped that Donald “Scrooge” would be visited by the ghost of president past, Richard Nixon, who’d dispense some useful and sage advice. But alas, he was visited by Putin instead.

I asked my boyfriend, “Who is the ghost of president future in the Donald “Scrooge” story?” And faster than an elf can say ugly Christmas sweater in Lakota, he said “what future? Is there one?” Touché.

Along those same lines, I’d like to see an NDN version of A Christmas Carol, called A Tradish-ish Tale. “The curmudgeonly tribal chairman Caesar Beaucoup, played by Graham Greene, is visited by three ghosts who make him realize the error in his ways. And help him walk the red road to redemption and healing. Bob Cratchit is played by Gary Farmer.”

There’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas, except Natives have been living out that timeless ode since Columbus first set foot on these shores. A more apt title might be How the Whites Stole … Well, Everything.
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There’s Randolph the Red-Nosed Red****, cousin to Chief Wahoo. But who can work up any sympathy for that hoser?

How about “The Little Drummer Boy?” I’ve been singing a twisted version of this in my head forever! Drum they told me, pa rum pum pum pum / But you have no blood quantum, you’re a pretend-i-um-um . . . it goes something like that. A bit contentious for the holidays unless someone makes it a 49er.

I imagine a Nativity story taking place at Standing Rock called “A NoDAPL Nativity.” Mary and Joseph Blackhorse, having been turned away at the Prairie Knight’s Lodge, wander the plains almost out of gas, and about to give birth. They follow a miraculous guided drone to Sacred Stone Camp where good shepherds take them in.

I’d love to see a rez-style Christmas basketball tale called “Jingle Balls.” A ragtag team of rez misfits are about to go down in history as the worst ballers of all time. That is until a mysterious coach in a Santa hat shows them the way to the state championships.

What about “Are You There, Christmas, It’s Me Carol!” A coming of age mashup of Love Actually and Elf but with robots. There’s a scandal at the local shopping mall over the Black Santa. Ridiculous! Everyone knows Santa is a superalloy and vanadium steel AI with exterior epoxy resin.

And it wouldn’t be Yuletide without the assorted Lifetime Christmas movies starring Meredith Baxter Bernie or Tori Spelling. Movies with the word “danger” in them. Movies about mistaken identities, and stepping barefoot on Legos in the middle of the night. Harrowing tales of intrigue and redemption. Movies about cards, and candles, and mistletoe and loveable ladies who overcome heartache and hard times—movies with plucky gals like Dolly Parton, or Cher as the ultimate Christmas angel, a fairy godmom of the rez.

Tiffany Midge is an assistant poetry editor at The Rumpus, and an award winning author of The Woman Who Married a Bear. Her work is featured in McSweeney's, The Rumpus, Okey-Pankey, The Butter, Waxwing, and Moss. She is Hunkpapa Lakota. Follow her on Twitter @TiffanyMidge.